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Newsletters>
The 7 Stages of Romantic Relationship
August 10, 2003
Author: Michelle Casto
Michelle L. Casto, M.Ed. There are seven stages in a
romantic
relationship: avoidance, meeting, dating, breaking up,
establishing exclusivity, commitment, and keeping the love
you find. Each of these stages vary in length and
intensity. At each stage, there are thoughts and feelings
telling you what to do and when to do it. You need to learn
to listen to your intuition in each stage, so that you can
make smart decisions. It is important to note that the
breaking up stage can happen at any time within the other
stages; i.e., at any time you or the other person decides
to exit the relationship for whatever reason. In all seven
stages, you always have these choices:
1. Continue moving forward 2. Stagnate 3. Slow down or go
backwards 4. Exit
By taking notice of the signals from your head and heart,
you will be better able to interpret what your intuition is
telling you. At each stage, consider, “What am I thinking
and feeling?” Are you receiving conflicting messages? Is
your head saying one thing and your heart another? This is
often the case, particularly in romantic relationships.
What happens is there is an agreement error, a contrast
between your thoughts and your feelings. This is perfectly
normal. Just remember that you have your very own internal
system of checks and balances. This system was designed to
keep you safe. For the moment, it is temporarily out of
order, probably due to stimulation overload. So, before
making any decision at this time, go somewhere quiet’ the
answers will come with reflection and focus. Once the
answer comes, you should act quickly so you do not have
time to doubt your decision. You should never feel trapped
or unable to choose what is right for you. If at any time
you do feel this way, then that is a good sign that
something is not right with the relationship. You then need
to examine what it is that is holding you back. If it turns
out to be the other person, you are probably better off
leaving the relationship. A smart way to make important
stage decisions is to mutually agree on what to do next.
After all, “if it is meant to be, it will be,” so you may
as well start out making important decisions together.
Couples who have good relationships know that it takes time
to build their love. They make a conscious effort to
progress slowly and purposefully through each stage,
enjoying the process, while allowing their love to develop
naturally. Communicating with each other is essential to
this process. You should be open and honest about your
concerns and fears, so that you can trust that everything
has been said and understood by both parties. Even if you
find that things aren’t what you would have hoped for, at
least you know what is going on and then you can work on
making it better.
Levels of Love Most of us have experienced love blindness.
We either think we love someone or do not realize until it
is too late that we actually did love someone. You do not
have to be blinded by love. You have the power to recognize
it, but you must use smart decision-making skills to avoid
making fatal relationship mistakes. In this section, work
on waking up your awareness so that you will act in
“knowing.” The first step is to become familiar with the
stages of relationships and the corresponding levels of
love that you or your partner will most likely experience.
Relationship Avoidance Stage “I do not desire love” Goal:
to prepare yourself for love Characterized by non-interest
Meeting Stage “I am open to finding love” Goal: to prospect
for the possibility of love in others Characterized by
anticipation Dating Stage “I hope to find love” Goal: to
pre-qualify for a potential partner Characterized by
uncertainty
(These three stages represent being single and the
importance of using the “Screen-out” process.) Breaking Up
Stage “I no longer have love with this person” Goal: to let
go of the person/love Characterized by
disappointment/relief
(Breaking up is a transitional stage.)
Exclusivity Stage “I think this is love” Goal: to further
qualify the person to see if she/he might be a good match
Characterized by excitement Commitment Stage “I know this
is love” Goal: to close the deal Characterized by
confidence Keeping the Love You Find Stage “I want to keep
this love” Goal: to preserve the love you have found
Characterized by continuous commitment
(These three stages represent being involved and the
importance of using the “Screen-in” process.)
The key is to consciously place yourself in each stage. For
example, if you decide you want to be in the “dating stage”
then be fully present and make a true effort to make
yourself available for dating. If, however, you find that
your heart isn’t in it, and that you would rather avoid
relationships, then you need to stop and consciously put
yourself back in that stage. This will help you to stay
clear on what you want and enable you to honestly
communicate to others "where you are at.” Each level and
stage of the relationship is a transition and involves
psychological and emotional energy. As you progress through
each level, you will no doubt experience excitement and
anxiety, hope and fear, arousal and dis-arousal, certainty
and uncertainty, along with a myriad of other feelings. You
will need to work hard at balancing the messages that you
are receiving from both your head and your heart to most
accurately interpret the incoming, overwhelming
information—it is very easy to be misled.
***This article is adapted from the book, Get Smart! About
Modern Romantic Relationships: Your Personal Guide to
Finding Right and Real Love by Michelle L. Casto
About the author:
Michelle L. Casto, M.Ed. is a Whole Life Coach, Speaker,
and Author of the Get Smart! LearningBook Series: Get
Smart! About Modern Romantic Relationships, Get Smart!
About Modern Career Development, and Get Smart! About
Modern Stress Management. Her coaching practice is called
Brightlight Coaching because she helps people come up with
bright ideas for their life and empowers them to freely
shine their bright light to the world.
www.getsmartseries.com and www.brightlightcoach.com
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