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Newsletters>
Sex and the Soul
August 6, 2003
Author: Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed.
Article:
The title of this article is likely to provoke many
feelings, thoughts, sarcasms etc., as many people falsely
believe that sex, spirituality, and the soul are at
opposite ends of a continuum. It is incredibly sad that
something so beautiful and intrinsic in our nature is so
poorly understood and completely obliterated in our
society. Most of us are taught from an early age that the
body is dirty, sex is bad and that we shouldn’t touch our
genitals. Somewhere along the line we developed this
inaccurate perception that sex and spirituality are
separate and that in order to be spiritual you need to be
asexual and that you are a better person if you divorce
yourself from your sexual energy, feelings, desires, and
needs and that spirituality is somehow superior to
sexuality.
These attitudes are in complete contradiction to what is
natural and healthy. It is like cutting off one of your
legs and trying to run. We are taught to suppress our
sexuality and to feel shame for being a sexual being and
therefore this creates the problematic patterns we see
associated with sex in our society such as excessive sex
partners, violence, dissatisfaction with ones sex life,
sexual confusion, degradation, incest, addiction that are
practically an epidemic. We have created a society with two
sexual extremes and very few people are able to find a
healthy medium. At one end we have people with very few or
no limits where meaningless sex, addiction, violence, rape,
incest, degradation etc. occurs and at the other end we
have people with very rigid limits who are afraid of sex,
who are uncomfortable even talking about it, who don’t know
even know what arouses them, who think it is dirty and bad
and should be hidden and or not engaged in. The common
thread in both of these extremes is shame. People at both
ends of the continuum are experiencing shame but exhibit it
in different ways. These are prime examples of what happens
when we disconnect our soul from our sexual selves.
One of the factors that cause sex to create such great
difficulty in our relationships is because sexual energy
and spiritual energy feel very similar. Sometimes it is
difficult to tell the two apart. They often overlap.
Because our society doesn’t encourage awareness or
understanding of either one of these energies we are left
to try and figure them out ourselves and in our ignorance
we develop patterns that are unhealthy. Sex is very
spiritual and spirituality can feel very sexual at times. I
also believe this is one of the factors that makes sex
addictive, as I believe all addictions are really a search
for the spiritual. Addictive substances and activities give
us that incredible whole, at one with the universe,
complete, euphoric feeling that spirituality makes us feel.
Because it feels so wonderful, we want to feel it over and
over so we keep doing the substance or activity. After
awhile we need more and more of the substance or activity
to have the same feeling. We are not taught that these
incredible spiritual feelings can be achieved on a regular
basis through developing deep healthy relationships with
the universe, others and ourselves.
Sex is not bad, dirty, unhealthy and the root of these
problems. It is the separation of sex from our souls and
suppression of sexual energy that creates these problems.
It is the lack of understanding and awareness of our sexual
energy and the ignorance that that this creates that causes
to act in ways that our troublesome and destructive. Being
taught to suppress and divorce our sexual energy separates
us from a vital piece of our spirituality. Our whole
survival is dependant upon sex as well as being one of the
most pleasurable experiences we can have and one of the
most spiritual experiences one can have when in the context
of love and respect. Sexuality is a core ingredient of our
spiritual make up. By continually trying to suppress
sexuality we are only throwing fuel on the fire. The
solution is to explore and embrace our sexual energy,
thoughts, feelings, and fantasies. Reclaim our sexuality
and reconnect it to our souls. Get it out in the open. Part
of the reason destructive sexual forces have so much power
is because of the suppression and shame. Problems loose
their power when brought out in the open and dealt with
directly.
So how do we shed ourselves of years of negative
conditioning and develop a healthier attitude, reconnect
our souls with our sexuality and celebrate our sexual
selves. Well to begin with and to ensure that our next
generation will be a more sexually enlightened group of
people we start by teaching our children. From a very early
age we help them to develop a healthy appreciation and
respect for their bodies and promote a healthy attitude
towards masturbation. We talk freely and openly with them
about sex without shame. We encourage them to talk to us
and ask questions. We teach them the difference between
healthy and unhealthy sex. We teach them that sex is human,
healthy and sacred and not just a physical act.
My personal belief is that healthy soul-satisfying sex
takes place between two people who connect on many levels
and do or are on their way to care about each other. In my
experience the deeper the relationship and the deeper the
spiritual connection is then the more fantastic and
spiritual the sex will be. Healthy spiritual sex can also
occur by yourself if you are without partner by deepening
your relationship with yourself. Meaningless or casual sex
usually results in feelings of emptiness, unfulfillment,
and shame. It takes us further away from our souls and
leaves us searching for more in someone else. In my
opinion, great sex requires, deep spiritual connections,
deep intellectual connections, communication and as the
relationship evolves trust will become an issue. Sometimes
we meet someone and have an instant attraction. In this
instance great sex can occur quickly, but if deepening of
the spiritual and intellectual connection, communication
and trust are not nurtured then this attraction will
diminish and die. These things can only be developed over
time and therefore the deeper the trust, the connection and
communication is then the less inhibitions we will have and
the freer we will become in enjoying our sexual
experiences. The sex will become even more explosive and we
will be able achieve new heights of passion and fulfillment
we didn’t know existed. The depth of relationships has no
limit except those that we bring to it with our own fears
and issues and therefore if we allow the relationship to
grow and deepen there will always be another higher level
of great sex to be achieved.
I understand that many people are comfortable with casual
sex and that especially in adolescents, young adulthood and
phases of adulthood such as after divorce that it may be
necessary to experiment , retaliate or be reckless to find
ones way and learn. Ultimately I believe that what we find
is that the most fulfilling sex is that which is explored
with someone we care about, but we may have to go down many
roads and go through many experiences to learn this for
ourselves. So while we are on this journey or when we are
with our loving partner I believe there are basic tenets we
should teach our children and abide by ourselves to promote
spiritual, respectful, ethical sex. Those tenets are: ·
Respect · Neither party should be hurt physically · No
coercion · Honesty · Both parties should agree upon the
activity engaged in · Communication · Both parties should
want the same result. (Ex. If you are looking for just sex
then you should not have sex with someone you know is
looking for a relationship. )
Other steps you can take to continue to celebrate your
sexuality may include beginning to tell yourself different
messages. Tell yourself that sex is great, wonderful, good
and spiritual. Find some good books on healthy sexuality
and erotica and read, read, read. Visit some websites. Do
everything you can to educate yourself. It will probably
take a long time to override the old voices in your head
and you may need to hear the new messages over and over. It
may be helpful to talk to someone like an advisor or an
educator to help validate your new messages. Try to find
friends who are on the journey of understanding their
sexuality or who are comfortable with sex that you can
share this aspect of yourself with freely.
Explore your own body and discover what you like and what
you don’t. Find what excites you and what doesn’t. What
feels good and what doesn’t. Make love with yourself. If
you have a partner, let your partner know what you need and
want and when you become comfortable with it, then allow
your partner to watch you while you fulfill yourself. This
can be very arousing for both partners and it teaches you
both new things about each other’s bodies.
Be adventurous. Be aware. Be present in the here and now.
Allow yourself to become immersed in the sexual experience.
Open yourself up and fully experience each touch,
sensation, smell, movement, sound and taste while you are
making love with yourself or your lover. Tune into your
body and soul and listen to the yearnings of your soul;
they will guide you. Be willing to try new things even if
they feel foreign or scary.
Get naked outside and make wild passionate love. Personally
I believe that there is not anything more arousing and
spiritual than to be naked outside and make love with the
feel of the elements upon your body. There is something
incredibly freeing about it and it elicits uninhibited
passions. It takes you back to the primal basics. This can
be done either by yourself or with partner.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. This cannot be
emphasized enough. Talk to your lover about your feelings,
needs, wants. Express your fears, inhibitions and
embarrassments as well as your fantasies and expectations.
If you are without partner then get to know yourself
completely from the inside out. Not only will this enhance
your sexual experience, but will make life more fulfilling
in general and if the time comes to be with a partner again
then you will be a better lover and better able to enjoy
the experience fully. If you are with partner then get to
know yourself and your lover from the inside out.
Sex is one of the most powerful spiritual experiences we
can experience. It should be celebrated and honored for the
magnificent gift that it is. Reclaim your sexuality.
Experience the wonder and joy of soul-satisfying sex. Your
soul will thank you.
About the author:
Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed is a writer, educator,
therapist/advisor/coach and holistic health consultant
specializing in Erotic Communication, Sexual Intimacy, Soul
Satisfying Sex as well as issues of living with chronic
illness, chronic pain or disability. Sexuality services can
be found at http://www.holistichelp.net/sexandsoul and
Chronic illness services can be found at
http://www.holistichelp.net/
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