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Newsletters>
Communication with Your Lover
May 9, 2003
Author: Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed.
Article:
Communication with your lover is probably “the” most
important factor for not only a satisfying sexual
relationship but for a relationship in general. If we do
not communicate with our lover we can’t be satisfied. Many
of us falsely believe that our lover can read our mind or
that they should instinctively know how to please us. This
is a very destructive belief for not only the sex, but the
relationship as a whole.
Each one of us is different. If we are in a new
relationship it takes time to learn what each other likes.
Your new lover probably has different needs in regard to
what they like and how they need to be touched than your
previous lover. If it is a long-term relationship we need
to continually explore and discover one another’s bodies,
needs and desires. We need to let our lover know what we
need.
I am often surprised when I hear from couples who have been
together for a long time that neither one of them really
knows each other’s bodies, needs, desires or fantasies and
they are not able to ask their partner for what they need
sexually to be satisfied.
I sometimes hear statements from males such as this: “my
wife doesn’t know how to satisfy me” “my wife has different
erotic needs than mine and can’t satisfy me” Men are often
not able to tell their partners that they really need to
have oral sex on a regular basis to be satisfied or they
are not able to their partner that every now and then they
would like their lover to whisper in their ear and say “Oh,
baby, fuck me in the ass” or “Please fuck me” And because
men often crave this kind of naughtiness and it really
arouses them they often get this kind of sex “on the side”
from another woman who gives them this kind of sex without
them having to ask for it.
Their partner would probably be completely shocked to know
her man likes such naughty talk and would never dream he is
getting it on the side, because he has never told her what
he likes and has hid this piece of himself from her.
On the other hand women sometimes have difficulty saying to
their partner that they need more touching, kissing,
affection, afterplay, foreplay or intimacy in order to make
sex more satisfying. So many women go around completely
unsatisfied or shut down and give up and decide they don’t
really like sex anymore and quit giving it to him, which
again leads him to get it “on the side.” While other women
may turn to someone else “on the side” who can meet their
emotional needs and therefore make the sex better for her.
There would be no need or desire for either partner to be
unfaithful if each partner would just be honest with each
other and communicate their needs, desires and preferences.
Your wife
(partner) can be the lover you need if you teach her how to
satisfy you and let her know what you like and need. Your
husband (partner) can be the lover you need him to be if
you do the same. If our needs are met in our relationship,
there is no need or desire for unfaithfulness.
For a relationship to be successful each partner is
responsible to communicate their needs to the other and
each partner is responsible for meeting the needs of the
other. If you have a partner who is not willing to learn
and not interested in satisfying you then you would want
evaluate whether this is a relationship you should be in.
There should also be a healthy balance of give and take in
each partner and sexual requests should be within reason.
No one should have to engage in any activity that is
degrading, violent or disrespectful. For example: if your
lover needs to call you a slut or a whore or to harm you in
order to get aroused there is a serious problem here and
some guidance should be sought.
Talk openly, direct and honest. Be specific. Tell your
partner where, when and how to touch, how much pressure,
how much speed, timing, what, when and how to say, etc.
etc.
This kind of communication is in contrast to erotic
communication, which occurs during the act of lovemaking.
It is best to talk about these kinds of issues outside of
the bedroom, so it won’t spoil the moment and so you can
take time to work things out. If you are revealing
something new to your lover it can take a while to
assimilate what has been shared. Communication should be on
going. Needs, desires and preferences change over time. It
is a journey of continual discovery and exploration of one
another.
If this is a new behavior for you it may feel uncomfortable
at first, but do it anyway! It will get easier with time.
Sharing yourself in this way will bring you and your
partner closer together and enhance your sexual
satisfaction. It will increase your intimacy, decrease the
risk of unfaithfulness and increase your sexual
satisfaction. Your relationship as a whole will be happier,
more fulfilling and satisfying in every way.
About the author:
Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed. is a writer, educator, advisor and
coach specializing in sexual intimacy, erotic communication
and keeping the fire burning in your relationship. A FREE
E-zine packed full of tips, advice and erotic stories to
keep the sizzle in your relationship can be found at her
website. http://www.holistichelp.net/sexandsoul
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